6th March 2005 Keyboard Lab

It's been such a crazy semester. We've been so busy and tired, and no, it's not over yet. Luckily today marks the end of the choir concert, something which has taken away all my Wednesday evenings these past few months. Well, it guess it went alright. My recorder solo was fine too, not having my usual nervousness, I didn't shiver at all. Thus, it is apt that I now write this, with a sense of relief. Of course, there are 3 more assignments and 3 tests yet due, but as at least for now I feel relaxed. Even if for a little while.

Last week was definitely hell week. On top of being extremely tired, I fell rather awfully ill with stomach flu. It was really bad. It made me lose my usual calmness and sanity(though this is questionable) and I actually exploded in front of my bf. It was so horrible, and I felt so bad about it afterwards. Very graciously, he told me it was ok, but the main thing was that I shouldn't have happened in the first place. It was a small thing, and I have not really lost my temper for quite a while. At least not over such a trivial matter. Anyway, I realised how I can really turn into a monster at times. Pray this will not happen again.

I was desperate for his company. I was so ill, and I so wanted to hold him tight. But in my pride I told him it was alright not to see me. I later learnt he went to the pub to meet his ex and another friend. Fair enough, but I didn't know of it. Of course I was pissed off. That night he apologised profusely. The next day, I was so happy I could meet him for dinner(despite being rather sick still). I was looking forward to spending sometime with him, but was rudely interrupted by a mutual friend(his ex, Mr O) to go with him to a pub. Mr O had asked me earlier on whether I was going, and I said no, due to 2 essays being due the next day and the fact that I was still ill. He did say he would ask my bf, and I said it was fine if he wants to go alone. It was not fine of course, but I didn't want to be rude. What surprised me was that my bf actually said he wanted to go. That took the final straw.

Of course it wasn't right for me to explode. Of course my bf has the freedom to go anywhere he wants. But the main thing is my friends know how seldom I get angry to such an extent. I am generally not that volatile a person. But suddenly I found traits of myself that were absent for some time. Traits that were apparent when I first met my ex bf years ago. I suppose it means this time, for once, I am finally really in love again.

I do know how often I change my mind about things. I do know how easily I take a liking to people sometimes. But this time I really feel different. Maybe I've really arrived after taking such a long way. I don't know. I don't know if we will last. I don't want to hurt anyone. I don't think I will. I'm scared of getting hurt again. But I don't think that will happen either. I've been so happy. I have been so scared. All feelings, questions, fears, hopes, dreams merge into chaotic nothingness when I hold you close.

I don't care anymore. We're happy being with each other, and that's all I need to know. ;p