Dumped

Today I was dumped. It didn't take long. It took me a while to realise what was going on. He was just next to me. Lying next to me. Cuddling me up. WHy did this happen? I don't know. Maybe it's me. I am not a good person. I am flirtatious. I can be promiscuous. I haven't been so for the past month, but yes I can be. But I can change. I am doing my best to change. Why? I guess I am doomed. It's me. I fall in love too fast. Before you know it, he's scared and he runs away. Why didn't I learn from my lessons? Why did he do this? Why?!!

I am not well. I pretend to be well. But I am not. I am not the sort of person who just needs to be with someone. Anyone. NO! I am not the sort who wants a relationship for relationship's sake. And I really fell in love. I feel horrible. I may have done some wrong things, but... am I doomed to a life of solitude because of this? WHY????!!!!!! I never meant to hurt anyone.

I guess if he's happier without me, then so be it. I have to let go...

Poem (dated November 2002)

He wakes,
half-drowned in the glow of
the noon sun's
rays piercing through
frosted windows.

He mutters a curse
and laments the loss of his morning,
smelling sourness,
and through blurry vision sees
a pool of drool on his pillow,
stained brown with
blood.

He thinks of his loved one,
his heart a thousand miles away,
drifting to an unknown destination, and
pulsating to the beat of
a phantom train.

He sinks deeper
into the depths of his blanket
and pulls its crinkly veil
over his face,
his body stiff under the weight
of endless tomorrows.
He shuts willing eyelids
and dreams of
yesterday.

Author's note: I wrote this poem in the winter of 2002, when a person I was infatuated with was travelling abroad in Siberia. In my loneliness and desperation(gasp! those were such crazy days) , I used sleep as an escape. Just thought I should share one of my favourite creations. : )

6th March 2005 Keyboard Lab

It's been such a crazy semester. We've been so busy and tired, and no, it's not over yet. Luckily today marks the end of the choir concert, something which has taken away all my Wednesday evenings these past few months. Well, it guess it went alright. My recorder solo was fine too, not having my usual nervousness, I didn't shiver at all. Thus, it is apt that I now write this, with a sense of relief. Of course, there are 3 more assignments and 3 tests yet due, but as at least for now I feel relaxed. Even if for a little while.

Last week was definitely hell week. On top of being extremely tired, I fell rather awfully ill with stomach flu. It was really bad. It made me lose my usual calmness and sanity(though this is questionable) and I actually exploded in front of my bf. It was so horrible, and I felt so bad about it afterwards. Very graciously, he told me it was ok, but the main thing was that I shouldn't have happened in the first place. It was a small thing, and I have not really lost my temper for quite a while. At least not over such a trivial matter. Anyway, I realised how I can really turn into a monster at times. Pray this will not happen again.

I was desperate for his company. I was so ill, and I so wanted to hold him tight. But in my pride I told him it was alright not to see me. I later learnt he went to the pub to meet his ex and another friend. Fair enough, but I didn't know of it. Of course I was pissed off. That night he apologised profusely. The next day, I was so happy I could meet him for dinner(despite being rather sick still). I was looking forward to spending sometime with him, but was rudely interrupted by a mutual friend(his ex, Mr O) to go with him to a pub. Mr O had asked me earlier on whether I was going, and I said no, due to 2 essays being due the next day and the fact that I was still ill. He did say he would ask my bf, and I said it was fine if he wants to go alone. It was not fine of course, but I didn't want to be rude. What surprised me was that my bf actually said he wanted to go. That took the final straw.

Of course it wasn't right for me to explode. Of course my bf has the freedom to go anywhere he wants. But the main thing is my friends know how seldom I get angry to such an extent. I am generally not that volatile a person. But suddenly I found traits of myself that were absent for some time. Traits that were apparent when I first met my ex bf years ago. I suppose it means this time, for once, I am finally really in love again.

I do know how often I change my mind about things. I do know how easily I take a liking to people sometimes. But this time I really feel different. Maybe I've really arrived after taking such a long way. I don't know. I don't know if we will last. I don't want to hurt anyone. I don't think I will. I'm scared of getting hurt again. But I don't think that will happen either. I've been so happy. I have been so scared. All feelings, questions, fears, hopes, dreams merge into chaotic nothingness when I hold you close.

I don't care anymore. We're happy being with each other, and that's all I need to know. ;p

April 5 2005 train home

i suppose in light of the recent events that happened in my university course, i ought to write something. such is the frailty of human relationships. suddenly friends are enemies. suddenly you realize a plot has already been incubating in someone's mind for ages, way before you know it... when you were still talking, joking and smiling to this person, it was already there. you shudder at the person's ability to conceal such a hideous idea. and only when the bomb explodes then you realized there is an expert terrorist in your midst. too late though.

the good thing is, it gives us caution as to the spectrum of people you will meet out there. of course, no one is two-dimensional. the two people we now condemn in the class are not entirely guilty and not entirely without redeeming points. and the rest of us are not innocent either. however, the degree of malice they are capable of far exceeds any one of us. what is definite however, is that this situation is irreparable. trust is definitely a finite resource these days. like fossil fuels, once depleted, it goes up in smoke.

20th March Train home

So much has happened over the last few months, that despite my laziness, I must somehow update this blog.
I have, very easily, got over the chap mentioned in my previous blog titled the first snow of 2004. The Tokyo trip had refreshed me and helped to a great extent. Plus I had found a new hope in the form of Takeshi. It wasn't possible, and I knew that, but that hope of a possible love in a remote land had kept me going... and it helped me through these past few months, which were very busy, so very tough.

But of course, fantasies aren't real. Soon it hit me that despite what I thought was possible, it wasn't. My salary will soon stop, and I will not be able to afford trips to Japan annually. And my supposed love interest was someone I only met for one night, and could hardly communicate with. True, I am learning Japanese, but this beginner's course is hardly adequate, even for a simple conversation. It will take me years to master it. And there's no way to leave Singapore as I've to complete my course and serve my bond. That's six more years.

Yes I know. I've changed my mind again. I've conveniently deserted my original plans. What now, you say. How can anyone trust you? How do you even trust yourself?

23 march 2005 train home

But if you think about it, I was chasing a hopeless dream. I wasn't even sure what the other party felt about me. I was made no promises, and whatever plans I made were purely my own.

But as of now, things have changed. This time it isn't a fantasy man in some far away galaxy. This guy is real.
............................................................................

How I fell in love with you is still a mystery to me. Though, it is a mystery that does not need to be explained or unraveled. It simply happened.

I have known you for years. It has never crossed my mind that we would get this close. After all, I was just your ex's friend, and you, my friend's ex. We never got any closer after those initial meetings.

Perhaps fate works in strange ways. Perhaps if we had got together then, we would've squandered away this tender bond in the folly of our youth.

But what-ifs are of no consequence, now that we've found each other. We have so much to share, so much to see together, so much to learn from each other. To be very honest, we hardly know each other yet. But I think the future is bright. Everyday I will get to know you a little more. Everyday will be a new and exciting journey for us. What the future holds, we will never know. But I am willing to walk this path with you.

(Author’s note: Slightly cheesy, but reflected my state of mind then, hence, will keep it the way it was written.)